I’ve never felt so useless at my job as I have these past 6 months. I make mistakes, everyone does, but I’m made to feel like like my mistakes are so much worse than anyone else’s. I really don’t know if that’s only in my mind or if it’s actually happening. I correct errors and then do my damnedest to be sure they don’t happen again. But if they do I’m made to feel stupid, like I don’t know how to use my own computer programs, like I need constant watching in order to get things right. I don’t like being told my methods are wrong when I know they work just fine, it’s the program that’s messing things up the majority of the time.

I assume this happens in any job, whether you’re an artist, an accountant or a gardener. I’m beginning to think it feels so bad because I work from home on a contract. It’s like the art director can’t figure out how to deal with me when I’m trying everything I can think of to make his life easier. Nothing I come up with to organize myself, to interpret confusing emails, to clear up miss-communication lasts. I feel like I’m being penalized, like I’m making things harder for everyone because of the way I chose to work. But I suppose if it’s that bad for them they can just cut ties with me. It’s not like they’re paying me for sitting in the office doing nothing while I wait for work to do or they owe me benefits. I only get paid for hours I actually work. Isn’t that saving them some money?

There’s a part of me that grows a little each day which wishes they’d just let me go, just say it’s not working out so I can leave this job and find something else. I’ve been at this job for three years and I’m still trying to get things right, still trying to figure out how things work but they’re always coming up with something new and I have to hit the ground running. I miss the days of having a book to illustrate by a certain date. As long as I have it done by that date, as is well. Constantly being “on call” is getting on my nerves. One of the perks of working freelance is making your own schedule but I can’t if I’m tied to my email all day.

I think one of my problems is I’m not a natural when it comes to numbers. I just do the art. But nowadays I have to be dead sure of my exact dimensions and coordinates and such. It’s a big drag and sucks any creativity out of me. It’s annoying and time consuming and I didn’t sign up for it 3 years ago when I agreed to work for them.
I’m just getting bored and frustrated at the state of things right now. Any of you freelancers/contractors out there go through this too?

I was wondering if I should post this journal, thinking that maybe a future or current employer might read it. But now I seriously doubt that would happen.